Oh beautiful heart

I've realized in the past few days that maybe coming to Christianity later in life would really have a huge impact on your mind and heart. So many of us, including me, grow up with a belief in God and a somewhat christian upbringing. Also, for many of us, we grow up in complacency; we're rarely taught what it means to have Jesus in our heart- really in our heart- and the great things that God has done and is in the world. We don't know how to walk with him, or why it's important (explanation later). If we knew the impact of what Jesus actually did and the fullness of life that He came to bring- there's no way we'd live the way we do- never asking for much, never expecting much and settling for a heart that's half alive, less than what Jesus actually said he came to bring. (John 10:10)

I've been searching for my heart and I think I'm finally starting to find it. Somewhere in the bible it says that if you seek you will find- and I know that it's true because I stopped talking to God because I was so frustrated and upset, but I wanted answers. A couple weeks ago He started sending them to me through a combination of bible study, people and reading. I'm reading a book that speaks right to my heart- and it uses verses in our bible study- and random people say things that are relevant to me.

But enough about how it's happening. This is what's happening.
God has been showing me that my heart is good. The implications of that are huge because we all live from the basic belief of what we've been told about our heart. If you believe your heart is good, the way you live is completely different. Do you believe your heart is good?
God has been showing me how to walk with Him. I made a startling discovery about my bible the other day. We treat it like a manual for life, which it is, but we fill our lives with principles and guidelines and we ignore what it's supposed to be. We read 1 Cor 13 and we say- 'well if i love this person, then i should be doing these things.' We read Gal 5:22-23 and we say- 'well if i'm a good christian, then i should be patient, kind and gentle.' Do you know that few parts of the bible actually give instructions on principles and specific things we're supposed to be? The discovery I made is that my bible is where God will speak to me, where He will tell me about situations I will encounter, where He shares stories about others like me, and where He tells me what I mean to Him. My first desire is to teach myself how to walk closely with God so I can learn from Him. My second desire is to have His influence in my life so evident that everything the bible talks about is displayed in my life, not because I'm a good christian, but because I walk so closely with God that He changes me.
We need to stop hindering each other by expecting things by principle- and we need to start teaching each other how to walk with God and to find a heart fully alive.
What does that mean for my worth? I used to flippantly say that my worth comes from God and that I should only care about what He thinks of me, and then I go out and hurt people, beat myself up and feel like a failure because sin just keeps taking over. In reality, God knows about my sin and I come back to Him and He knows what I went through, and He knows that I struggle with it sometimes and He still sent Jesus for me. So there goes the condemnation. I found Romans 7:14- 8:17. Paul wrote exactly what I'm thinking. I never do what I want to do. There's something about the Spirit that's going to manifest itself in my good heart and bring me out of constant sin.

This is what we don't understand about walking with God: it's important because He undoes all the hurt that we've survived, and He shows our heart how to be fully alive. We live in a world that is full of things we can't see... battles and challenges. Sin is invisible. We are constantly being attacked and we are constantly fighting for our hearts in a vindictive world that applauds distance, ignorance, callousness and indifference. We don't walk with God because it makes us a better christian- we walk with God because if we don't, our heart will never survive and we will never be fully alive. Isn't that the best thing you've ever heard? You can have the absolute best thing you'll ever encounter in life just by walking with God. You will have a heart fully alive.

At War

On Sunday Rob said something about getting to a point where the reality of what Christmas means doesn't leave throughout the year; where you don't ride a spiritual high from summer camp and then brave the valley of despair the rest of the year. He said one thing that has begun to ruin all my perceptions about me and God.
"The way to avoid the rollercoaster is to be in touch with the heart of God, to know God and to love Him;To be in love with Him so that it's not all in your mind and it's not all about your head."
I knew right away that what he said would have some importance for me. My spiritual walk has leveled out somewhat compared to what it used to be, but I've hit one of those times when I hate the thought of praying and I do anything but read my bible. Why? Because I'm a thinker. I do everything with my head. Everything I know about God is in my head. God loves me. God has a plan for me. God wants what's best for me. So when my heart is wounded, my head can't fix it, and God is stuck somewhere in between.
I'm reading Waking the Dead (I quoted it in my first blog). All the author says in the first chapter is that most of us no longer have the eyes to see with our hearts because we are so overwhelmed with day to day things that hurt us and go against what we're supposed to know about God. He says that we are at war; God has been at war for us through the entire bible; he is still at war to show people his love while satan tries to feed us lies and make us feel alone. I am at war.
In my head I feel like I'm at the end of all the territory that I know. From here the way is dark. I want my heart to be transformed but I don't know how to get to the heart of God. I want to know things with my heart. I think that's why I can't do anymore on my own. My head has done all the reading and all the thinking it can do. I want to be alive and to live with my heart. I want to love people without reliving everything that keeps me from being alive. I want to know what God means when he says that we can have life to the fullest- that we can be transformed- that we can live with our eyes open. Sometimes I wish that God would just come down and sit with me so that I know that he's real, that He's listening and that He's at war for me. Ps 18:6-12;16.