At War

On Sunday Rob said something about getting to a point where the reality of what Christmas means doesn't leave throughout the year; where you don't ride a spiritual high from summer camp and then brave the valley of despair the rest of the year. He said one thing that has begun to ruin all my perceptions about me and God.
"The way to avoid the rollercoaster is to be in touch with the heart of God, to know God and to love Him;To be in love with Him so that it's not all in your mind and it's not all about your head."
I knew right away that what he said would have some importance for me. My spiritual walk has leveled out somewhat compared to what it used to be, but I've hit one of those times when I hate the thought of praying and I do anything but read my bible. Why? Because I'm a thinker. I do everything with my head. Everything I know about God is in my head. God loves me. God has a plan for me. God wants what's best for me. So when my heart is wounded, my head can't fix it, and God is stuck somewhere in between.
I'm reading Waking the Dead (I quoted it in my first blog). All the author says in the first chapter is that most of us no longer have the eyes to see with our hearts because we are so overwhelmed with day to day things that hurt us and go against what we're supposed to know about God. He says that we are at war; God has been at war for us through the entire bible; he is still at war to show people his love while satan tries to feed us lies and make us feel alone. I am at war.
In my head I feel like I'm at the end of all the territory that I know. From here the way is dark. I want my heart to be transformed but I don't know how to get to the heart of God. I want to know things with my heart. I think that's why I can't do anymore on my own. My head has done all the reading and all the thinking it can do. I want to be alive and to live with my heart. I want to love people without reliving everything that keeps me from being alive. I want to know what God means when he says that we can have life to the fullest- that we can be transformed- that we can live with our eyes open. Sometimes I wish that God would just come down and sit with me so that I know that he's real, that He's listening and that He's at war for me. Ps 18:6-12;16.