What Dreams May Come

I haven't had any substantial thoughts or revelations. I stumbled across an analogy of my life. Apart from blessings and joy, alot of the time I feel like I'm fumbling through hell in "What Dreams May Come." Things are grabbing at me, pulling me down, binding my heart. I don't want to give the impression that my life is hell. I'm not saying that at all. I have a beautiful life- but when you know there's more to life than earthly things, you can't help but feel like you're in hell if you don't have it.
I spent the weekend at Breakforth with some wonderful people. I went feeling discouraged because I knew my heart wasn't alive. It surprised me how quickly my heart wanted to be alive. I want my dreams to come true and I want to give everything to God, even when my mind is overwhelmed- my heart just jumps at the chance.
I'm starting to see things differently. I see alot of work ahead but I'm slowly starting to understand where I need to go. It's not really a clear path. God has been giving me little gifts. Many of the verses mentioned this past weekend were ones I'd been introduced to or had been well aware of in the previous weeks. Speakers phrased things in ways that specifically addressed things I was feeling. When a thought came into my mind, I was reminded of God's character and how what I was thinking wasn't really true. It's not like anything is much different yet- but it's really exciting to start to see little glimpses of hope.
As much as I lack discipline, my heart just longs for the day when I spend time each morning with God because I finally get why it's important. I've heard it so many times, but just now am I beginning to see how it will apply to me and what that time has to offer for setting my heart free. Time with God seems exciting. The most humbling thing as a christian is to realize that you've been complaining about something with your eyes closed. I said I wasn't free- but what I was also saying was that I wanted freedom to be a magical, instantaneous gift from God that allowed me to continue my life with my heart connected to his by a thread. If my heart were fully connected to his- wouldn't I be free? There's nothing I can't say to him. Nothing he doesn't already know, no dream he isn't aware of, no hurt he doesn't want to heal. He could be a refuge; now that my eyes are open I want him to be my refuge.
One other thing I realized is that I know now what I need to surrender to God. Surrender isn't like an ambiguous action. Surrender sounds inherently ambiguous. It's not. It's more like a tailor-made intimacy with God. I have certain thoughts I always need to surrender to God. Others have different thoughts, or actions, or temptations, or strongholds, or weaknesses. I don't know if surrender can be a blanket christian action. I surrender my insecurity and my fear of being abandoned because if I don't, I become jealous of my best friend. I surrender my preconceived notions about love and leadership because if I don't, I'm not letting God work through me by encouraging and uplifting others. It's like each thing I need to surrender is directly linked to ways that I can be free and be a blessing to others, and be more like God.
God has spoken to me in this blog. I started out with a vague purpose of sharing some thoughts. I leave now with a sense that I've gained something by voicing passing thoughts. I'm excited about my day with God.
Thank you for being in my life. When you read this I hope that you know how much of a gift you are to me and how much I appreciate you even when I rarely say it and my heart doesn't show it. I wouldn't want to be here without you.
Above all else, guard your heart. For it is the wellspring of life.