Daintely Odd
So many people talk about Christmas like it's a beautiful time where everyone gets along and things are perfect. Time spent with family was great. The food was delicious. I loved my presents. I don't think there's been a year that I've been able to say that about Christmas- and this year was no exception, but for a different reason. I've had a very real and challenging holiday full of frustration, anxiety, sadness, excitement, contentment, anger, laughter, confusion, happiness. I'm not sure if it's because other families are healthier, or if other people are healthier, or if other people deal with things better or if it's just because most people don't want to be honest. I've felt lonely every Christmas that I can remember. Until this year...when I felt more like I didn't want to be myself.
Sometime around the beginning of December I ran into a part of myself that hides most of the time but chose to stay around through the holiday season. When Christmas day was over, I came home and cried. I had a wonderful time too. I enjoyed my brothers more than I ever have before- and because I didn't feel like I needed or wanted anything, my presents were fantastic. But mostly I was hit by the stark reality that whenever I encounter my family, I feel pain. I get frustrated; I feel trapped, anxious and impatient. For some reason God chose to use Christmas as a time to remind me that I'm a broken person. There's so much that I don't understand about myself and so much that I haven't faced. So much of me doesn't show itself everyday, until I'm not prepared. And for some reason, all those things feel worse at Christmas. When things are supposed to be more special and more perfect, when families are supposed to love being able to see each other, I just remember that I don't really have that. That most of the struggles that I faced the whole month were caused by the people I'm supposed to love being around. And what feels worse sometimes is that to those who have great families or great Christmases, I get the feeling that I'm being negative or ungrateful. That I'm just not in the Christmas spirit. That I'm just not trying hard enough.
Only the funny thing is that the reason we celebrate Christmas is because a baby was born to seek and save lost people that he loved; born to live a life of rejection and die a death of pain. And there's not supposed to be either at Christmas. Only good food and memories with family. I'm not really going to accept that. As difficult as it is for me to answer honestly about Christmas, I am going to. It was hard. I cried alot and I hurt. I had good times. But mostly I hurt.
I've been wondering how exactly to approach giving everything to Jesus when most of the time the things that he wants from us are invisible, intangible, elusive things. They are the things that make us hurt when we're supposed to be happy. They don't listen to holiday etiquette or follow expectations. They just come out and they demand attention and they beg for relief. And Jesus is that relief- so more than ever this Christmas I'm just really thankful that I hurt alot because it was at the exact time that a baby was born to shoulder that hurt. I was exactly what he came to save.
6 Comments:
You're incredible. You should write a song about this.
many people feel the same way that you do.... all the wonderful feelings that are supposed to come durring christmas don't come for everyone, and all the bad feelings seem to feel even worse...you aren't alone, and there are many people that love you...
-a friend-
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The relative complexities of men's and women's style
Both women and men may feel the difficulties of keeping their wardrobe up-to-date and in time, yet men's fashion usually seems a lot easier. Of program, for both sexes, garments and style choices could be equally as complex, and there are numerous'stylish'items which can quickly become fashion faux pas - who are able to say they often times see people walking around in 70s flames? On the other side, men's fashion includes a few staple items which can exist forever - which man is going to look out of position with a good-quality, tailored suit, for instance? Choose basic cuts, colours and materials and you'll never look out-of-place.
Why common men's style is timeless
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