I don't exactly know why I'm writing this entry. It's been so long since I've posted that I doubt if anyone still reads this. Only tonight I received a comment that someone wrote anonymously about one of my very earliest posts and I wish I knew who that person was.
I re-read the old posts. I was so sure back then, writing so confidently about faith in God. I wrote with so much conviction and resolve, throwing all of myself into the search. I loved proclaiming all of the wonderful things that God was doing and all the things that I was figuring out in my head.
There is some of that person left inside of me, but I am so different on the outside. So much has changed in four years. I can no longer speak with certainty, but it is not because I have given up, it is because there is so little certainty apart from personal experience. I no longer ask loud questions, because the questions I want to ask are the ones that receive quiet responses. I no longer defend the things my head knows because my heart has so little knowledge of them. I have journeyed inward and downward. Deeper. I have turned in on myself to a quieter place where it can all be real in the outward turning.
I wish I knew who you were, and I hope we meet again someday.